Paradoxical by nature

I do not belong to those that have a one way mind. I don't act, feel, behave in a single form. Some form of thoughts simply contrast with the others and I couldn't decide which is the best.

Paradoxical by nature, I guess people who are more emotional by nature are usually are.
I wanted so much of a freedom to choose for myself and those who love me, let me choose. And when I chose, I still wish for the thing I have not choose/chose to give up.

I chose to let my relationship with Jason tone down a step or two. And I am beginning not to be able to withstand the insecurity inside. No calls and letting his activities lying on top of me. I can beginning not to stand this.

I was casually asking him not to go for trainings/matches since there isn't much to do and he told me, "Cannot ah..without soccer, I will die."
I dunno why I remembered this so clearly.Not that I don't expect it but I felt a lil...funny. (Not funny ha-ha.)

But I mean...what do I want him to do then?Nothing right? One thing for sure though is he will not give up what he has been doing. If he will, he would...long ago. Long when I was feeling so torn.

I dont want to control Jason nor tie him to me. For I know, I am selfish enough not to promise him anything in return.

You see, in the midst of all my understandings for him and my part, I still feel unahppy the time he has for me. I wanted all his time and then I dont want all the attention and love that could trapped me in the end.
This is so bad and I dont understand myself. That is why I never really blamed Jason about his commitments for the other aspects of his life.

I thought not blaming doesn't mean I can't complain about it. The thing I dislike most about him is that I dont see any remedy that he comes up with? He can tell me that that he always let things to be my way, give in to me always and always pamper me. But I am beginning to realise this is NOT the way I want it to be.
I don't want him to only make me feel like princess when we meet and then so detached whenever we are not. I guess I understand now that one reason that I always feel that he is so far from me is that he simply doesnt do much to let me feel he is "by my side" whenever we are apart. And the only time we are together is when we meet up. (which stands 1 to 1.5 day in a week.)

For all the things, I am sick of feeling sad over this. It's not that I have been perfect and it's not that he has been the one hurting me. I hurt him alot more than this. I thought I could only make up to him by being more understanding on such matters...

I am alot more paradoxical than this.

Today I am just complaining about this. And then I thought...Who am I to complain about. Am I really settled..?